Bluegirl,

My parents don't know anything. They think this is just the way I am (which is understandable, because I have been this way to some degree for a long time) and they certainly don't know about the SI.

Half the issue (to them) is that we don't talk. I 'learned' not to talk to them a long time ago because it hurts like hell. They misunderstand me, they punish me and try to 'prevent mistakes', they have no idea who I am anymore and that was fine with me. It's so much easier to keep everything to myself. If everything blows up, it's my fault. I can blame myself, punish myself or even end myself. When someone else blows everything up, they hurt me. I lose control. If I hurt myself, I beat the whole world to it. Words just don't come out right anymore and I am sick of bumbling through communications that just end up making me feel worse.

I do try to do other things before I SI. That's why I was so pissed off about my families comments about my hand. They had no concept. I do listen to music and write loads of things before I SI. It all just seems like a prelude to the "main event". I end up doing it eventually. Days are too long... focus is so difficult. God, I'm rambling.

I am so worried that I'm gonna lose my job and friend... Either my parents will make it impossible for us to see each other or he'll get sick of the stupidity and stop coming around. If they make me quit my job, I see no way life will be livable.

I'm sorry. I will shut up now. Everything is just so pent up.