During this 13 day break from T, I had only left one message, and that was to tell him how good I feel.

But, UGH, something came up last night that made me feel so so so so SO icky and made all of the CSA stuff come rushing back. its something I am going to have to do, but I don't want to do, and it puts the CSA stuff front and center in my mind.

So, right after i found out about this thing I have to do, I was feeling SO gross and scared and I was driving alone in the dark on kind of a rural road and just felt so ALONE with all of it. I called T and left a message about what was going on, and tried to work through it a little bit on the message.

I guess the good thing is that I still feel connected and safe with T, even though we had this huge break. That is really really really big for me. And I guess the other good thing is that, in leaving those two messages, I was able to process a little bit, make a decision about how to proceed, and realize that I needed to work to get grounded in NOW. So, today, I think I'm okay. I KNOW a year ago, I would have been triggered to the point of having a hard time functioning. So, I guess that I HAVE made progress.

Typing this is making me feel better. Last night (and when I started typing this), I was feeling so disappointed in myself for being triggered. But I guess I can see now that I am making it through the trigger, and I'm basically okay. Still feel kind of icky and sad, but basically okay.

Maybe this is what healing is like? Not that we'll never be triggered or feel icky and scared ever again...but that when that happens, we'll know what to do. I really don't know.

and , both.