I'm sorry you're having such a bad time right now! Do you think you need to call your pdoc? Or maybe start shopping for a new one? (I know the one you have doesn't seem to like changing or adjusting meds, just a thought) Sending lots of hugs from my kitty and me!!
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From the movie The Hours: "If I were thinking clearly, Leonard, I would tell you that I wrestle alone in the dark, in the deep dark, and that only I can know. Only I can understand my condition. You live with the threat, you tell me you live with the threat of my extinction. Leonard, I live with it too."