I would try not to take it any further in the direction "it" wants to go (where you start looking for possible fakes in your past life) and start picking at the above circle.

Punishing by suicide, is not a calm, reasoned, rational, healthy thing. Having faked that long and wasted a life, is not a healthy way of having been. Causing pain to those who love and care for us is not a wise, healthy life choice.

So, whether you have or have not faked it, right now, you have problems that need professional help.

I would come up with a statement to tell myself that would make the question of whether you have been faking or not, make no sense. All that searching to see if you have been faking is not mentally healthy.