I'm here, and I'm ok. Thank you so much for your replies, it felt good to come here this morning and read them. I was such a mess last night, with so much going on inside, but I did get some sleep and I woke up feeling quieter inside. I'm really sad and depressed and probably a little angry, but there's not so much noise in my head.

When I said "I'm done" I think I meant I'm done with my T. I did talk to her when I called last night at 9ish and it didn't go well. She was probably tired, she was obviously eating and watching TV while we talked, and she was short and abrupt with me. I have seen this harsh side of her before and it's not what I needed last night, not by a long shot.

At the same time, I do realize I am creating a rupture with T where none exists. Yes, she messed up by not returning my call, and a simple apology for that would have helped. But that doesn't mean she doesn't care about me or that I have to quit working with her.

It is so weird, because I keep trying to remind myself of the calming, soothing things she said yesterday morning when we talked, but it seems like I feel that has changed. That because she didn't repeat those things, they must not be true any more. And yet intellectually I know that's not the case. I'm just a mix of emotions and thoughts about this.

She did tell me last night to call her this morning, but I felt at the time that it was more of a way to get me off the phone and to put me off than her actually wanting me to call this morning. Does that make sense? so I don't know if I'm going to call her. I don't know what I would say. I'm alive, I made it through the night, no thanks to you?? I don't know.

I'm kind of a mess and I'm supposed to go to court today and I can't do it. I can't get dressed and go out and be functioning when I feel like I'm coming apart inside. And the guilt over that just tears me apart that little bit more.