I grew up in a household with an alcoholic/cocaine addict stepfather who beat my mother every night&abused my little brothers. My real dad&mom were both potheads. Dad had a cocaine addiction when I was3but he got over that. I never thought i'd ever do drugs. Or smoke cigarettes. At 13 a friend got me2smoke pot with her but I hated it. I was goofy&hungry&didn't feel right.
At17I was living w/my dad(finally)&stepmom. She was awful2me&they had just had a baby2gether. My BFF@the time&I stayed out late a lot, partied with older guys&did things most of the other girls we knew did. We drank but not much&we were actually more responsible than other girls who partied. But she started being2crazy4me(or so I thought)so we kinda drifted away4 a while.
I went out1nite w/a man12yrs my senior. He was really nice(or so I thought)&we played pool&drank&hungout. Then we ended up somewhere&everyone was smoking pot. He passed it2me&I didn't want2smoke it but I did mostly cuz I was pretty drunk by then. It felt sooo good! We ended up leaving&sleeping2gether...but worse, I was hooked on drinking&pot.
I started goin out more&more&my old BFF&I met up again&realized we were doing the same things so we began partying again, but this time drinking way2much. Eventually my dad sent me back2my moms. When I got home she asked me what id been doing so I told her. Her response was2buy me a pipe&alcohol&give me pot. I started senior yr with a good job. I workde alot&had extra cash all the time&she would buy me alcohol whenever I wanted. I began drinking all nite in my room, smokin pot2. She didn't care&she was my mom. My younger brother took me2a friends house1nite&we took LSD. I loved it! Started2take it 3or4times a wk, even@school!
Eventually I graduated&moved in w/my boyfriend. We had a nice place&he paid all the bills so I partied even more. Started not coming hm@nite&cheating on him with guys from work. But he never knew. At hm I just drank a lot, but outside I was a party animal! I soon met the "man of my dreams"&ditched my boyfriend4him.
He was into LSD&cocaine&alcohol. I was into LSD, pot, alcohol&pain pills/benzos by then. I had always told myself I would never do coke or ecstasy or ketamine, heroin or crack. 1nite he convinced me2try cocaine tho&I was hooked. We worked2gether&did everything2gether, including cocaine. We would take LSD&do coke2stay up longer&talk. We talked about everything&anything. It felt like we had a special bond.
1nite we went2a rave(we were into the rave scene back then)&someone offered us ecstasy&ketamine. I bought a pill&he bought some ketamine. We went hm&I took the pill&it started2kick in after20mins. At1st I hated it but then my body melted&I felt incredible. He did the ketamine&was falling into a "K hole"while I layed on the floor with him holding me. Soon we started using ecstasy as a sex enhancer. We would take ecstasy&have sex the whole time.in high school I thought ppl who took it were weirdos. I was a raverkid but I only did LSD. That lasted a few yrs&soon I was candyflipping every wknd, and then doing coke2stay up after we came down&then taking valium&other downers2fall asleep after the coke.
Eventually our coke habit brought us2decide2deal it so we could do it4free. We met a guy who hooked us up w/a quantity dealer&started selling. Got2a point where we'd sniff an oz in a nite, and he was twice my weight yet I did as much as he did. I shoulda overdosed but never did. Then 1day the cops came. We were busted..but they took him, not me&I acted like I had no idea what was going on.
When he went2jail I was stuck without our big dealer so I got in touch w/a guy from highschool who delt smaller stuff. His friend took a liking2me&would come do coke4free with me, hoping he could have sex with me. It was awful, but I would sleep with him2get free coke. Not everynight, but a couple times a week. I wasn't gonna do it all the time cuz I felt then I would be a drug*****. I couldn't pay my bills tho cuz I lost my job4being messed up so I had2move back2my moms. Thought id go hm&get clean, but mom had a secret. She was doing coke2! She would give me some here&there&honestly I was angry@her4ruining my chance2b sober but still doing it anyway.
He got outta jail&we moved outta state2get away from all the craziness. I ended up dancing in a club cuz there weren't any other jobs there&supported us while he stayed hm. It was a very nice club, not a stereotypical dirty club with dancers on drugs.I met a dr who started giving me somas for.10cents a pill. Some days I took30or40pills! But hubby never knew. Mom had a stroke a few yrs l8r so we moved hm, but got into old habits of poppin xanax&we separated. I met a guy who was into meth but I was scared2try it so I did coke instead. 3yrs of sobriety gone in an instant! Soon tho the coke didn't keep me up so I tried meth.
Really, I liked it cuz we would have amazing sex when we did it&our normally abusive relationship was better. I was still popping pills&working in a seedy club making good$$cuz I looked bettr than the other girls, who were ALL ate up&nasty. But 1day he ran outta meth&tried2kill me so I ran back2where my exhubby&I had been living with an old friend, hoping2get clean.buy she was into meth by then&pills2so it got worse. I started workin@the nice club again only I didn't look as good as I had before&even tho I made$500a nite it was barely half what id been making b4meth.
I met a guy tho who saw the pain I was in&offered2help me. He moved me2another state&I got clean! But he liked2drink...I was off the hard drugs but soon drinking almost a gallon of vodka a nite. He was military tho&got deployed so I went back hm. And decided2do heroin. I had done it once b4@a party&it had made me feel so incredibly good. So my youngest brother(with my mom, not my dad)&I started doing heroin. At1st it was just a couple times a week, to take the edge off life, but after a while I was spending up to$700a day on it(here, that's about12grams)&it was getting real bad. I started taking my foil everywhere, work, clubs, dates, guys houses I was dating, everywhere. I didn't want2stop tho cuz it felt so GOOD.
But1day I thought, "enough is enough!"&quit. The next day the withdrawals hit&I thought I was going2die. I have NEVER thrown up so much or had sweats&diarrhea&body aches&chills&uncontrollable bodily movements. It was awful, so I hooked up&decided id never run out again so id never be sick again. But I went2reno w/my gma&aunt&snuck drugs on the plane so I qwouldnt come down&be sick. However, I ran out&got horribly, scarily sick. The hotel airlifted me2a hospital&even tho they drug tested me&knew what was goin on I wouldn't admit anything cuz I didn't want2disappoint my gma.I was sick for6days&never got better. By then my bro had joined us on our trip&he was starting2get sick, too. We had2cut our trip short&return home, but gma was coming2live with us. We hooked up when we got hm&spent the wknd lying bout why we were sick. We ran outta$$tho&decided it was time2get help so I told on us. Another fellow addict told us about this clinic&we went. I was so sick, throwing up everywhere, scaring the other patients(I guess none of em had seen someone so sick b4)and wanting2die. They start u off slowly on methadone cuz they don't want2give u2much, but I worked my way up to 230mg a day, more than anybody else the MD had ever treated. I'm small&have a fast metabolism so my body processes drugs quickly&therefore I need more meds than most ppl twice my size. When I felt stable enough I started2go down. Got to 85mg a day&stayed there for a yearbut now I feel capable of handling myself&my addiction&its been 4YEARS since I got clean so I have started a slow tapering process, which should be done by new years!
Sorry this was so long, but its a long story. Hopefully it will help someone else.