yeah... i've been tested alright. From the damage of earlier times, to marrying a narcissist, to crippling chronic pain to... it just goes on. This wasn't my first dance with having tumors. People say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but i could be really totally ok with being less strong and having some peace for a change, you know?

i am grateful for how i see the world and people... i'm grateful that i've learned to appreciate the smallest of things... i just want a break from such difficult life lessons for a while.

i know that a life without any hardship just breeds complacency and it's very difficult to cultivate depth without suffering. i just would like to have a stint of good news. i need life to calm down and be less stressful. i can't stay on high-gear much longer.

i'm sort of realizing that i may have to choose a lesser life in the long run to accomplish that. If i want to continue to aim as high as i have done, then i will have to accept that there are plenty more rapids ahead. If i want calm water i will have to accept that i can't keep trying to move upstream.