Maybe you are realising that you are just doing the same thing you have done with all your Ts in the past. Nothing is changing. If you always do the same as you have always done, how can anything possibly change?
Change is uncomfortable. Change is hard work. Change means doing things differently, even though our *want* is to do things the same way. Change takes risk and vulnerability and, unfortunately, change can be so uncomfortable that it causes us emotional pain.

At the beginning of your work with this therapist you hoped things would be different this time. I have read along as you have told us all about how you have been gradually sliding into those same patterns that you have repeated with all your other Ts... but without using those words. As an observer, it was obvious that your old patterns were exactly where you were headed.

I don't mean any of this to be read with a judgemental tone, Rainbow. I am not judging you at all... I am merely reporting on what I have observed. As in - this is what has happened, and this is how I observed you got to this place.

One thing I have seen you say repeatedly is that T says it's her job to figure it all out. I strongly disagree with your T on this score. This is YOUR life - it's YOUR job to figure it out, and make the changes, and do things differently. Only in this case, maybe figuring out the reasons behind your behavior isn't what is important... maybe the most important thing to do is work with what is happening in the here and now, and challenge your own compulsion to be closer to the T.

Sometimes the quickest way to get to the heart of the issue is to take away the defences that protect against it. In your case, the protection against the issue would be getting closer to the T... you have such an intense feeling that you will be okay as long as you can be ever closer to her and part of her life.

So what comes up for you if you CAN'T be closer to her? What do you feel when you are NOT a part of her life? What feelings do you experience and how do you deal with them? I have a hunch that for you, those are the feelings that really matter, and are the way to find a path to healing.