Thanks, Luce. I also realize what is happening, and so does my T. She says our goal is to get my needs met in RL and not by her so I don't want therapy anymore. I did the IFS on why I want to stay in therapy forever. So, it's out in the open, but you're right, it IS up to me. I am fighting it, and I know it. The pattern goes back to my mother meeting my needs too well, but not meeting some of them. At least that's the way it seems.

My T doesn't want me to figure it out because she says I'm always doing that; I never feel anything during the session. I'm in "my head", she says. IFS and EMDR get me to feel and not think so much. Many feelings are blocked.

I told her I had nothing to live for without therapy, and that's pathetic and not even true. I don't know how to change the deep hurts inside of me, and the wanting to be with a T. Without it, I'll survive. I know that. But it's like I've had a taste of what I crave, and it hurts so much to give it up. I'm not sure if it's worth changing. I shouldn't have gone to another T, if you look at it your way. That makes me feel like I want to die, so it's not a simple matter of doing something about it. I've never really gotten to my raw feelings about how it is for me. With Kt, I can. Or maybe not.

Thank you for your honesty, Luce. It hurts (yeah, my phrase) but I am thinking about it.