I oscillate between deep compassion and utter contempt for people I'm afraid. I do care about people very much, but I find them tedious. The more physically distanced I am from people and the less time I have to spend with them, the more patience I have when I do get around them.

I know what that sounds like, but it is the truth. If I could devote my life to helping people from an isolated location in a cave somewhere - that would be my ideal life. Let's see, every time I type something I feel that I add another layer of ambiguity to the mix, let's try an example:

I am walking into a gas station convenience store the other day to put $20 on pump number six, when 'Barbie' walks out. She is as out of place here in the middle of the forest in her high heels, manicure and perfume as a mountain lion in the middle of main street in a large city. That's fine, but it does get one's momentary attention. She glanced at me, caught my eye, rolled hers and gave what I can only imagine is a patented little hair flip. In her mind, I thought she was beautiful. Whatever, none of my business.

I went into the store and went up to complete my transaction. The gal behind the counter said, "I saw you looking at her. I know you wanted her, all the guys do. She's my cousin." Then, rather than take my money, she looks off wistfully at her cousins departure her wish that she could look like that evident in her eyes. All I want to do is come up with some kind of line that will get this girl to acknowledge me and take my money so I can be on my way.

On a good day I see Barbie and think, "You poor thing....trying to hide your fears and insecurities behind this costume and plastic surgery. You are worth so much more than the way you look. Don't wrap up your self-worth in your appearence; don't you know that your appearence will fade one day? How sad to be so consumed." And then her cousin, "Oh my god, look at yourself. You have a smile for everyone when they come in; people come here and pay more for gas then in town because YOU brighten their day. You would trade that in for pretentiousness and an obsession with social status?"

On a bad day I allow myself to realize that they are the same. The gal behind the counter would in fact give up her life to take her cousins. She doesn't have the means to do so and so her particular insecurities manifest themselves in this overtly friendly way, but she covets something else. She hides behind a saccharine personality because haughty doesn't work in an outfit from Walmart and no make-up. Neither of them is better or worse than the other, they are just lost in different ways. Sad.

Now, that's all my opinion of course, take it for what it's worth, but I find it sad and I don't like to surround myself with sad things because it eventually brings me down too and I lose patience. For instance, "Geez, will you feel bad that you don't look as ridiculous as your cousin AFTER you take my money that I'm trying to give you?" I don't say that of course, but I think it. So, long story short, (too late for that isn't it *s*) I do consider myself a warm person, but it's a cold world - you lose heat if you're out in it for too long.

He did not tape the session. He did take rather prolific notes but assured me that this was only because it was the first session. I signed an agreement which explained to me that he would be discussing our sessions with his superior as is required while he is in training.

Thank you for your hopes and good energy.