Luce, I think this is worth thinking about more. Feelings that come up are frustration, anger, jealousy, depression, and sadness. Grief for what I can't have. Feelings of rejection. Rationalization about therapy. I discount the "real" work about grieving for my mother. I go off into a fantasy world sometimes. Or, this time I got obsessed with a different research topic that also frustrates me, but it's a major distraction--genealogy. I also read old therapy journals, trying to relive the past connections. I want the intimacy. T knows this; it came up with the IFS work. She wants me to get the feelings in RL. I don't know why I fight it. Probably because I get only a fraction of the good feelings I get from therapy.

My H and I want somewhere together and had a nice day. I tried, somewhat successfully, to do something to bring those feelings back into my marriage. It's very hard. So much easier to connect with a T, who can be like a best friend/mother/etc. and who listens 100% and wants to hear EVERYTHING. No one is like that in RL except here on PC, which is why I like it so much. Okay, end of spontaneous writing.