I have a relationship with codiene, its OTC stuff so not to strong, but none the less its my "relationship", it was alcohol once.

T often talks about my fantasys, but sometimes I don't think I truely experience the true meaning of this.

Yesterday proberbly because T's been away this week I was internet hunting again for my birth mother. I typed in her name and this old photo came up with the same name and I had to call my husband over because it looked just like me, I asked 2 of my daughters who they thought she looked like and they both said me, mouths open aghast.

I dreamt about finding my real family and in the dream I was constantly repeating the "finding" and the deep feeling of calm and satisfaction It gave me, so this morning I found an email addy for the family tree I had located and emailed asking about the woman in the photo.

I got a reply and it isn't a relative, well it may be some very, very distant relative, proberbly along the lines of Adam and Eve times, but what I got the most from this experience was A/ I kind of found a way to soothe the ache of searching and wondering constantly through that dream last night and B/ I saw how my head was numb with all the fantasys of a great reunion etc and I also saw how T took a backsit for a short while whilst my intentions was directed at who I thought could be "real" family.

How does this tie into the pills? Well I think I see how that same fuzzy warm fantasy thinking is active when I am in the process of thinking about and actually buying and then swallowing handfuls of codiene, that is my fantasy relationship.

I can see the some crack between the fuzzy fantasy stuff in my head and the cold hard light of reality. I haven't had any pills all week, trying to deal with the longing for them, facing it and not giving into it and trying my best to try at least to live in the real world, but its not a light switch event, Its a slow long process of bit by bit letting go and then letting in.

I feel ok about the hunt for "real" family coming to a dead end, just the having experienced it in my dream seems to have helped me a great deal, helped me see that perhaps what I've got right now is good enought and the constant looking everywhere else is just part of my fantasys.

As I write this I feel a resistence to reality kicking in and a very young baby desperately trying to make everything alright by creating a warm fuzzy feel in the mind. This is my core setting, take a peek outside, don't get what i need or the fear is I won't get the comfort I need, so quickly pull my head back inside my shell of make believe and fantasy.

T's back tomorrow, I've got to try and relate in the moment, trust that the moment isn't awful.