Rainbow, your posts are so deep and make me really have to think hard about what to say that might help you in some way. You have a very complex system inside :-) It is almost like a mosaic of sorts. In a way, I think that maybe you and T have been trying to look at the individual tiles and you are both just too close to the picture to see how the pieces can fit together. I hope this makes sense for you - I think it will because of your work with art.

My suggestion would be to actually pull back from yourself for a little bit. Kinda like how an artist has to put themselves outside their own mind and viewpoint in order to draw a self portrait. As you know, that is one of the hardest things for an artist to do!
There is a reason why this is so difficult - it deals with our nature of being IN our own universe.

I have been thinking about some things you may want to try that could help you pull back to get a clean point of view. Just ideas here - so if any help that is cool but if none fit, that is fine, just wanted to give you something anyway because I had to do this myself when I was in my 20's. These are things my first T had me do.

1) Meet yourself for the first time. Stand infront of a mirror and view the person in the mirror as though you have never met her before. What do you notice about her? What do you like? What do you not like? Stop yourself each time you say "MY" and change it to "Her". By doing this, you will start the mind thinking about viewing from that third person state.

Do this a few times before you engage the "stranger" in conversation. Then go about asking questions just as you would a stranger in real life that you start to encounter at a familiar place each day. "Hi there. I see you out here alot. It's a cool place to go for a walk, isn't it?" Allow your answers to just come out naturally and DO NOT think about the reply. Just answer the questions as though a stranger just asked them.

With time, you will be able to really get to know the stranger in the mirror and you may be amazed by the answers that stranger gives you. I know I was. In fact, sometimes the answers were so different than what I thought they would be that I would have to go into my bedroom and cry. I had no idea I saw myself in that way. This one activity helped me more than I could ever share.

2) Treat your spouse as a stranger. Play with "first meetings" and plan "dates" where you role play having just met. Allow yourself to re-discover who that person is. Allow that person to explore a new you that you have not yet shown the world. Take it slow and be natural about it - not rushed at all. Allow the grace to just be there.

3) For therapy, start with making a list of long term goals for yourself. Figure out in words what you want to accomplish with therapy. Do not worry about it ending or that you will run out of goals. Just focus on what you NEED and WANT your life to look like.

Well, that is what I came up with... I do hope it helps in some way. You are a very precious part of our universe. BIG HUGS!!