I'm sorry for your losses, RomanJames.

Hmmm...

• Complicated history -- complicated grieving?
• Loss of two significant family members within a short time...
• Your own preexisting challenges...
• Your individuality...

I don't know, but I don't think it's necessarily surprising you find your feelings at this time outside "normal" bounds. ("Normal" -- there's an endless subject...)

Later on, may you find you grieved well.