the problem with gratitude is that it's a slippery thing... no, not true, i don't mean that. i am still grateful and struggling to remain positive. i say to my T all the time that i don't much care to end up being a "well-adjusted homeless person." Meaning, that while personal growth is great, i am in this for the full enchilada - i want life change. i want to make my real world change as much as my internal one.

i want less chaos
i want to not need the assistance of others quite so much
i want to know where my next meal is coming from
i want to sleep through the night
i want to be able to stop worrying this much

i believe the road i am taking in therapy will help me with the rest, but i need to know how to connect the two. i need to know how to use whatever new things i have learned to now build a proper life.

i'm still healing physically but my life isn't waiting for me to feel better. Before i really feel well enough or ready, i need to be getting things done. i would feel a whole lot better about jumping in too soon if i felt like i could make ends meet... but despite my best efforts, i still can't.

stepping fully into gratitude means one has to accept that until you die things always work out, just that doesn't mean the same thing as working out the way you want or need. i'm struggling with that part.