So, I was officially dxd as BP II on Friday... Nice to know I belong SOMEWHERE...
Neutral=neither up, nor very down, about the actual label but quite confused emotionally about the road ahead...

Friday was quite overwhelming, as I'm sure most of you are personally aware, but "BF" went out of his way to show me a good time and offer some friendly re-assurance and support. ( I told him straight after my appt. and he came to pick me up...)

Saturday, Saturday was a bit more challenging. I was alone and overwhelmed, and as much as I hate to admit it, scared. I had some emotional support on the phone to get me through the day, and I guess that, coupled with the fact that I was actively REFUSING to flip out, somehow minimized whatever was going on in my head. I ended up sleeping most of the day away anyway, too scared to feel (does that make any sense?). I just started thinking, about how drastically life as I know it has to change ( I hate change). Praying that I won't have a bad reaction to meds as my mother will have a field day! (1st, I'd have to admit I was at a pdoc, 2nd admit to the dx...) I can just hear her now..."The damn doctors are just making money off of you, there's nothing wrong with you, that's why the pills are making you crazy, they want you to believe that somethings' wrong with you. Your brain is going to shrink, and then don't wonder a few years down the line why you are brain damaged..." I love my mother,don't get me wrong, but right now, I REALLY don't like her.She's always been dead set against mental health practitioners, and recently, with all the loss she's incurred, she's so much less emotionally available, and I'm emotionally NEEDY. Then...then I was wondering about the genetic component, as I have a daughter, and wanted another baby next year, and now I'm wondering if this is a good idea. Like, if my BP stems from childhood trauma, can I pass it on without my kids being traumatized, and I don't know of any other BP relatives, but family urban legend has it, that my late Aunt was Schiz and her son, my cousin, might be too...is that a considering factor? (My family does not talk about the "unmentionables", thus the urban legend reference.) Then... so something supposedly traumatic happened, but I don't think it was traumatic... I basically buried it sO far, deep below, that I only remembered flashes 8/9 years later, and now that I've given it some thought... My memory is impeccable, but I have no recollection of that specific year whatsoever. i.e. School teachers, current best friends, special event/adventures... Every year from 1991 - present, I can account for except 1994... (as well as bits and pieces from before school going age). So if the abuse was SO traumatizing, where is the trauma if that entire year is buried??? AND how is it established whether my BP stems from genetic factors / trauma? how can I/they be sure?

You know, being on PC so long before the actual dx, has taught me that logically I need to manage it, learn to co-exist with it. But emotionally, I'm thinking what's the point exactly? I'm already alone, people already think I'm unstable, there has been minimal sense of normalcy for at least 10yrs, and on top of that ON TOP OF THAT... the cycles don't stop, the pills won't fix me. I'll still be emotionally high-maintenance (the reason I choose to stay single). I'll still be needy and volatile, and there's NO guarantee that I'll get better, I might even just get WORSE anyway...been having horrendous nightmares about being trapped ALL weekend

I know I shouldn't, but I feel HOPELESS. Logically I know that a light has been switched on, and a path to something better is being shown, but emotionally, I just feel CURSED... this is 1 of the reasons I'm so DRAINED!!! mental me. and emotional me, RARELY see eye-eye... (do any of you struggle with that? No1 in the RW can relate)

I'm sO sorry to have rambled like that, but you guys know I have no other outlet for this mess in my head...

I think of you guys, and tears fill my eyes...How you've been dealing with BP, life, and all the trimmings, how you support each other in times of need, how every battle you've won is a major VICTORY, how even when you stumble, you get up and continue...I'm so immensely proud of ALL of you, and pray that soon, I'll find the courage to do the same, right now, I'm just at a place where I wanna give up, before actually crossing the starting line, as I'm afraid of failure... the worst part is...my daughter, my inspiration, the glue that holds my pieces together...she's not even motivation this time around, even though she was the motivation to see a pdoc in the first place...

I'm not sad, really, like I'm not bawling my eyes out or anything, I'm NOT suicidal, so please don't freak out with worry. I just feel like giving up, as right now, I don't see ANY reward...

Sorry if this post depresses anybody, you guys know I love you and will never set you off intentionally. I'm so proud of all of you who are able to "deal"...

Much love to ALL at PC