My t and I have been getting pretty deep into some stuff in therapy, and it has caused me to dissociate at times, not only in session but sometimes when i am out of session. Last Friday, i dissociated when i was at work, and some very distressing emotions came up inside me that i recognized as not coming from my normal adult self. i felt very anxious, and left my t voice mail, even though i knew she probably wouldn't pick up her messages until she returned to work on Monday.

I did all the grounding and coping skills i could think of to deal with my dissociative state, but it wasn't working. My t has told me that in the event of an emergency, i can call her office and ask them to page her, so i did that. Well, they called back a few minutes later and said they could not reach her.

This morning, she returned to work and replied to my voice mail. But i can't help feeling hurt/abandoned. I don't understand why they couldn't reach my t, or why she left the option to have her paged in an emergency if she doesn't carry her pager with her on her days off?

She offered me an earlier session this week (today instead of Wednesday), but due to my schedule, i can't go in today. Friday was the day i REALLY needed to talk to her, and now that it's Monday, i might as well just wait until my usual session later in the week.

But my stomach just hurts. I know t can't always be there when i need her. Nobody can. I know this. But it doesn't keep it from hurting really bad.