thanks byz, you very obviously spend a lot of time on self-reflection and on your answers to others. i appreciate the time you gave and your words.

one thing i am making a conscious deliberate effort to do is to break away from being pathologized and labelled as sick, unwell, wrong, defective or any other term that makes where i am seem in some way like i "should" be someplace else or somehow needing adjustment. Don't get me wrong, i want to do better, improve, succeed and move forward but i am totally ditching the idea of "getting better."

i am very much of the belief that where i am is where i am - there isn't a different place i should be. It's hard to put words on because i want more from myself in responses to the challenges of life. Frankl says something about what life asks of us and not what we ask of life. i'm not religious so i don't believe in a big plan that put me where i am, but i do believe in what the desiderata says - "no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should."

It doesn't mean to pull up your oars and just drift without purpose. It doesn't absolve me of my responsibility to actually live this life i've been given... but it means that in my practice of gratitude i am coming to see each moment, each day, as being as it should be and to appreciate what i have right then and there, as well as appreciate the efforts and victories i have had in the face of suffering.

this will be hard for some to grasp, because our culture has prepackaged ideas of wellness and illness... but i do not consider myself mentally ill in any way.

i was pathologized and misdiagnosed for 12 yrs. It has turned out that i simply don't have that disorder. This isn't denial, it's medically supported fact. i have had a physical condition that produced symptoms that were read as a DSM diagnosis. Now, they are trying to figure this out and time will tell, but i am geratly resistent to having a label applied just so i can fit more neatly in some doctor or insurance company's boxes.

i do get depressed and i do struggle with difficult anxiety, both a mixed result of my personal history and the physical problems. But i do not see myself as either of those labels. i am NOT anxiety, i get anxiety... just like i get chronic pain or the flu. i refuse to see myself ever again through the filter of a label. It's too easy to wear it and to live it. i want to live my life as it is.

also.. don't mistake my tone or intent, i'm not angry or meaning to sound sharp about it... it's just difficult to say in many other words so it may sound snappier than i intend.

i just know that i am moving through a transformation that i am grateful to get to experience.... i know i just am.

i do push myself too hard, that i hear in what you're saying... hold myself to unrealistic expectations far too much. i'm working on that. My situation is very, very bad at the moment and if i don't shove myself hard then i will face potential homelessness or other difficult fates. There isn't anyone in my real world to help with all the things i need to attend to, so i can't really gear down. i need to make changes to avoid this degree of stress in the future as much as possible. i need to change how i operate so that i can establish a life that is a little kinder for me, go easier on myself and find ways to make connections with people who can help in times of need.

today i am pondering where i stand on this path... i had a moment of revelation, insight... a new vantage point. i was distraught over some things, everything seems so big and difficult and all the things that have been piling up while i have been recovering from surgery looked like Everest to me. i cowered and wished i could go back into my hospital bed where i was safe from such things. But something different happened. i didn't fall on my face or cry. i didn't just frantically whine into my T's voicemail. And i didn't run. i stood my ground. i reminded myself of how bright and beautiful the world looked to me when i remembered my strengths in these last two weeks. i took a small group of tasks and began one at a time... i've still got a mountain to climb but i am reminding myself i can do it because i am doing it.

i got some good omens too. Like i said, i'm not religious or even especially spiritual in any traditional sense, but i believe our lives flow and we "fit" into it or we find friction when we go off course. i was worried about a decision that revolved around money. Once i told myself the above things and started moving more purposefully, i found first an extra $20... then a cheque for $93 that i had misplaced and forgotten to deposit. Now, that isn't exactly like finding oil, but in the realm of poverty where i currently dwell, $113 is a huge amount. It just seemed like the perfect little salve to the fear i'd had. i drew strength from that... never ignore good omens.

tomorrow i plan to say something special to my T. Tomorrow i want to tell him how deeply grateful i am for everything he has done for me and the boundless patience and kindness he has shown me. i want him to know that while i feel i have a lot to work on, he has affected me in a way that has changed everything. i want him to know that somehow i woke up.