(((((((rainbow)))))))

you don't need to feel embarrassed about posting here. also, we may not know you in rl but we still care and know you in another sense. we just know the deeper things about one another. sometimes it's safer to do that a bit anonymously.

i probably didn't explain that very well so let me try again. i totally understand that you are quite distressed about the transference/t addiction/whatever it's called. but the transference is only happening because of underlying real life issues. to use addiction language the transference is only the symptom of a deeper problem just as alcoholism is a symptom of something else. there is a reason why an alcoholic drinks. as i understand it they are trying to numb some pain and i think it's the same with your transference. of course an alcoholic still needs to get sober to actually deal with the underlying problem. so, in that sense your transference is something to be dealt with. i didn't mean to give you the impression i'm dismissing it as i'm not. i did also try to qualify by saying not to get "that" distressed over it. i do realize it is very distressing to you. i just think a helpful way to deal with it is to keep the focus on what is causing it. also, i see a number of others here who are quite attached to their Ts in ways that don't seem to me to be that different from yours. i think that strong attachment enables them to do the work. the attachment is also healing. so, in that sense i think it's ok that you are experiencing strong transference. it seems to me the way to make it go away? or be healthier is to do the work that it is underlying it.

having said that i think you are identifying the issues that are causing the transference. you've had some interesting things come out of your mouth doing the IFS and those are definitely to be explored. also, your insight about not quitting therapy being like your mom never died is huge. i could say all sorts of things about that and your therapy but i won't unless you want me to. i am not sure if you are just really hesitant to delve into these issues or if you are shying away from it because you have tried in the past and feel it didn't help. or maybe a bit of both? there are a whole host of other things that might be going on: having unrealistic expectations how fast things can be resolved, having been told unhelpful things from former Ts like when they said you can't get your unmet love needs met now, expecting yourself to be able to now easily access emotions when you may have spent your entire life burying them. i do get the sense that you have a really hard time tolerating uncomfortable emotions and push them away pretty quickly when they come up. for example, you have said you feel silly grieving your mom's death at such a late date. i think that may be a coping mechanism you adopted early on--to dismiss painful emotions in some way so as not to have to feel them. maybe your mom didn't allow you to feel those types of emotions so you had to adopt a coping mechanism of discounting them and pushing them away.

i know another person mentioned addiction in your family and yes obesity would be a food addiction. i had posted on another thread of yours some family roles that adult children of dysfunctional families take on. you didn't comment on it and i am still wondering if you identified with any of them. did you read it? i also asked you once why you initially went to therapy and you didn't answer. i guess i'm wondering are you not answering because those are things you are hesitant to delve into because it might be too difficult or for another reason? of course you don't have to answer me but maybe it would be good to think about why.

i have been rereading an old recovery book and i keep thinking of you. it talks about us being pain avoidant but addicted to excitement. it says that in families where we weren't allowed to feel all our emotions, especially the painful emotions, that we become focused not on experiencing pleasure in life but focus on life as a problem. they talk about us being robbed of the ability to experience pleasure in healthy ways and we instead turn to addictions to gratify ourselves. but this gratification isn't healthy pleasure it is to find relief from pain. they say, "gratification for the relief of pain is not fun." it has the appearance of fun to it but it is not really for pleasure's sake but actually for pain avoidance.

well just some food for thought. i hope something i've said is helpful to you.