I'm so sorry for your losses...yes losses because it was more than "just" your dad, but all that goes along with him, hopes for future love and changes of past.

You seem to be doing fine when it comes to mourning. It will take at least 2 years I suspect, to begin to put this a bit behind you and move on. In the Jewish tradition, when a parent passes they don't do anything major for a whole year, the trauma is so great.

It's just been a year since my mom's passing (May 31st) and I just now had to sort through more of her things (I had had them in storage) and the crying jags were often and deep. But it's no longer lingering with me all day long. I still have her checking account open ... partly because I'm a trustee of her estate (which has been dissolved) though some late paperwork might still come through ... and partly because it's one of the last threads of connection in real life, to her. (I just realized I haven't removed her phone number from my old phone. :sobbing

Everyone moves through the death of a family member, loved one, friend, in their own way and there is no real "wrong" way (unless they act out and attack others, you know what I mean...) ...

Keep on ... one foot in front of the other. As you heal, you will gain revelations of the history with your father, and may have many "ah ha!) moments ... I suspect his returning to you and family at the end of his life was because he knew you really know what love is, and he wanted it?

Peace.