Hello
I do not usually post here. Today I went for a hearing before a judge to try to get psychiatric disability. The judge was kind enough to wish me happy birthday. Yes, I went before the judge on my birthday. I had to hear, from the attorney, a lot of things that are excruciatingly painful to hear. I do not know how to forgive myself for being this way. I have had to make some peace with records dating back as far is when I was a child. And then all decades after that. Some were hard core psychological evaluations. The self loathing and intanse shame I a feeling is debilitating while trying to accept that this has been chronic all of my life. I do not have anything that normally would be considered what people are born with. And yet, here I am. So ashamed I just want to sleep. Horrified and in great self blame. Do not even want to leave the house. Dont quite know where to turn. This put me into crisis which bothered my therapist. So I told her i would be back when I could get back to work integrating the child part of me that needs this. but I would have to wait until the crisis is over.

The deep shame of listening to how I was described is like a violation. I cannot fault anyone for saying these things. Because all or most are true. Although I do not think the idea of DID is correct. DD is more like it. After so many decades of mental illness, I feel little hope that this is anything less than chronic and persistant. I guess I am angry, grieving and in deep pain. I cannot leave the hose feeling this way. And no one calls. So I am writing here. Thank you for reading this. I just need a safe place to be. With safe people. With very best to you all Pat