Today I said goodbye to my oldest rattie, Miles. The first rat I ever owned, and the first one who showed me what unconditional love and acceptance were all about. He also taught me a lot about companionship and quiet strength. I love you, Mr. Fuzzbutt McRat. You were the biggest rat I ever have known at 700+ grams, and you looked like a sewer rat - but you were loved by many.

He was old. He was really old. He got older after I had to put down his 'brother' two weeks ago today, he just went downhill. I wonder if he was just waiting until Allan was gone because I knew Miles was getting older but he still acted fine. Until Allan was gone anyways. Maybe he died slowly from his heart being broken and from loneliness. I had to separate him and his other brother James because James was picking on him, tore him up pretty bad. No hard feelings towards James, since it is survival of the fittest in the wild, and Miles would have been gone a long time ago.

Miles back legs failed. His lower half was completely paralyzed. His back feet had skin peeling off because he was dragging himself everywhere. He was in enough pain to protest when he was picked up and cleaned up or when I touched his feet. His pain meds weren't helping. I've been cleaning him daily, since he couldn't clean himself ... it was hard. Urine burns the skin, and he was getting a rash. The past few days he barely moved at all, but he would eat and protest being bathed. He was still a happy little rat though or at least acted like it. Boggling today at the vet at me, as I was holding him for the last time. It was the hardest decision ever to decide to have him put to sleep, but the vet saw him and said I was making the right decision. So I feel better about that.

The vet was very nice to me, let me make the decision to have him gassed and then injected into his heart so I know he went a lot less painfully. I was there, but unlike with Allan I really couldn't watch the procedure. It would have made me a bit more sick to my stomach.

I didn't take home his body with me (nowhere to bury him) and I didn't ask to keep his ashes. He's going to be cremated by the vet, and his ashes added to a communal urn of all of those animals who've passed on to the world beyond this one. Which I do believe there is.

Oh GOD it hurts. so. freaking. much.

It hurts doubly more, losing two rats within exactly two weeks from each other. I know they were very happy together so maybe this just had to be the way it was. I never knew how much pain you could feel... I feel numb. I feel angry. I feel sad. I feel lost. It's like part of me has died. I hate grief.

I don't know how I'm going to deal with only having a solitary rat and a bunny rabbit now. I love them both, but a large portion of my life lately has revolved around my two oldest furry children and now they're gone.

<3 <3 <3 RIP Miles, I love you and always will. You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you keep me happy when skies are grey, you'll never know dear, how much I love you, please don't take my sunshine away.
But my sunshine is gone now. This sucks.