AHHH! Folks, I need some help. I feel frustrated and sick. You've all been fantastic so I hope I'm not pushing my luck...

Thank you SpazKatt. It's amazing reading everyone's personal stories and in each of them, I see a bit of Sarah.

I don't want to be too burdensome with continual questions but I was hoping if you guys could see anything in what I'm about to tell you. I had a troublesome weekend. A friend of mine who had been friends with Sarah prior to a fallout told me some unsettling things. My friend lived with Sarah for a few months and is very aware of Sarah's problems - in fact she was in a relationship with Sarah's brother for 7 years - which ended recently.

Anyways, as for some details: My friend's (we'll call her Kate) fallout with Sarah has some parallels with mine, namely the percieved betrayal on Sarah's part and the maliciousness of it. Because of the fallout between them I took Sarah's side, which in hindsight was short sighted of me. I only caught up with Kate after my breakup with Sarah.

What bothered me immensely was discovering Sarah had been complaining and *****ing about me for some time before the break up - yet none of these things were apparent or communicated to me BY Sarah. Sarah would say I annoyed her, got in her space and "loved her so much."

Yet, one night, she told me to think of her flat as "my second home" ?? And often, she would complain to me about - you guessed it - Kate. Sarah had told Kate how much she "loved" her since they'd first met and, even if things between her and her brother didn't work out, she wanted to remain close.

It would seem Kate heard similar platitudes as I did. Afterall our breakup was predicated on the fact that she didn't truly understand what love was and she needed to be single... but at the same time she wanted to retain me as a close friend, meaning we'd still hang out, talk and even share the same BED together when I stayed. She spoke of this amazing attraction between us and how much she adored me. She spoke of how she considered me a part of her FAMILY!

Yet, all this is cast aside in a matter of weeks. I mean, if this were all one giant ruse to give me the boot she sure went about it in a convoluted way...

Kate has been supportive and brutally honest with me these past few weeks. She's a clinical psychologist so I take stock in what she says. Sarah is, in her opinion, quite a severe case of borderline, with dissociative symptoms emerging at times and of course, PTSD. She never got the help she should've when she was 14 and the rape was a nasty beginning to a whole load of nasty incidents. Kate also told me Sarah has a history of seeing counsellors and pulling the wool over their eyes.

Ugh! It's just so frustrating. I know she's pretty messed up and I do have empathy for what she's gone through, but does that account for what seems to be a cold and at times-malicious personality? It seems all the more contridictary when Sarah spoke of "love" being the most important. Did she speak of love and TRY to embrace it yet, tragically, never could? She spoke so PASSIONATELY about people and about life! Was she aware deep down there was this dark hole she was trying to fill in with all these protestations of caring and love? How can someone say all those things in good conscience yet behave in a polar opposite manner?

AHH! I'm sorry I'm ranting big time. I know I can't excuse or undo Sarah's actions and nor can anyone here with what they say. I just seek some perspective.

Again, thank you for reading my rant. I feel a bit better for it... It's really helped getting these thoughts and feelings out of my head and into written form.