BNLsMOM...I can relate to your symptoms...I too had wanted to end it all with all the rushing, terrible thoughts that come in. Nights and early mornings were terrible. I feel so grateful my husband kept up with me. No matter how difficult, it was my family especially the thought of my husband and children that gave me the will (despite being weak then) not to self-destruct. Seek all the help that you need BNLsMOM, this will all come to pass. And when it is overcome, you are grateful that you did not give up. Hugs from my part of the world.