Hi all,
I'm sorry if this is repetitative, i know I have posted something similar to this before, but I'm still in quite a bad place as far as this situation goes.
I have been seeing my current therapist for approximately 10 months. I began to see her late last January at the insistance of my Pdoc. I began the relationship rather optimistic, yet since it takes me an extremely long time to warm up to people ( especially in a case as this where I am expected to put into words things I would never otherwise) it has obviously been quiter a long, drawn out string of sessions. Over this course of almost a year, I have settled to a place where I am quite hopeless as to my outlook. I honestly feel I have hit a plateau in my therapy, and this is purely because there is so much that I hold back from her because I am deathly afraid of being put in a hospital and being rendered helpless. Though there are many things I have brought myself to divulging to her, but the first time I opened up my true feelings reguarding how truly suicidal I was she gave no no option but to call my parents and to at least let them know about my 'state of mind.' Obviously my parents freaked out and started walking on eggshells around me, which if anything has only led me to hide my feelings even more. But judging from this reaction, I am terrified to reveal several other things which I feel desperately the need to get out, yet I can't imagine what her reaction would be since these things are so much worse. First of all, she is aware that I am majorly depressed, but I know that I have given her only slight glimpses into how bad it gets. I have never told her about the hundreds of times I've mapped out how I was going to do it, and how close I have actually come to carrying it out; nor does she know what an obsession it has become in my life, to such a degree that my life almost revolves around it now to a sickening degree. I've told her about my issues with eating, and about how I starve myself and obsess extensively over how much and what I consume (and the fact that ive lost 80lbs in the past 3 years and am only 19). She had told me that she is very concerned about this, yet, once again, I have witheld the true degree to which this rules my life out of fear that she will make me stop. And a last major thing revolves around my increasing involvement with SI. I have never told her anything about how I used to cut myself back when I was 13. I remember the first session she was going down the list and asked me if i had ever purposefully hurt myself (to which I said 'no' because at the time i had only done it for about six months when i was 13 and was extremely embassased to mention it.) I want so badly to tell her, to tell someone, because i feel it is getting way out of hand. Its no longer something i purely enjoy, buth something i NEED to do, which scares me. Every time I go in there i pray for her to ask me about it, because I can never summon the courage to flat out tell her in the middle of talking about something else.
It's just so hard to get any of this out, since during most of our sessions she never seems to guide our topics to things which would lead me gradually into telling her. I don't know what to do anymore, I just need some help on deciding what to do, because I DO want to get better (i think) but I know that holding this back is never going to get me anywhere. I just hold it back in fear that it will land me in a padded room (which is probably where I belong.) I appologize for the LONG post, but thank you so much for just reading it, and if you can help, I would be quite greatful.

------Kelly-------