Seek the help of a psychiatrist. I have worked for physicians all my life and was treated by them. I never actually sat down and told then everything. They just said "here take this antidepressant". Needless to say at my first psychiatrist appointment I was told I was on the wrong medicine and put on a mood stabilizer and an antipsychotic. Hopefully now, after 20 years of the wrong meds, I will begin to feel like a person that doesn't want to die all the time. Good luck and be well!