I am not sure that I am posting in the right place since I am feeling more "short tempered" than sad, but my sanity assessment test assessed that I was "depressive".

I am turning 42 this year and it seems that some major underlying anger is coming to a head. I used to be able to control this by comforting myself (meditation, exercise, etc) but now it seems that I am unable to control my explosive reactiveness. I thought by now, I would have figured out a way to deal with my past experiences, but it seems I'm only getting worse.

My father was not fatherly at all when I was growing up. A drunk, angry, emotionally abusive, moderately physical as well as other abuses he delivered on a daily basis. I witnessed his infidelity and it just goes on and on. Somehow, my mother tolerated him and continues to live with him now, complaining about him every single day. She was no angel herself, not very affectionate and highly critical, depressive amongst other things. None of them had a clue that I had been failing in most of my classes since the 7th grade because they were so unavailable as parents.

Now I have a child and my mind cannot handle the affection given to him from my father, in particular. I want my baby to get all the love he can handle, but when it comes from my dad, it feels seedy somehow. My dad loves my son so much, always telling me what he did during the day. I get sick to my stomach when I hear these things or especially when he's holding him. I take it out on my dad in a way that is not a typical, or a "sane" response to any action. The littlest things elevate my annoyance and anger with him. I.e., today he was watching a children's teaching program and argued that they were incorrect in their use of grammar. My dad is from Holland and has a 3rd grade education! I hate this man!!!! He tries in his little ways to please me, making me specific meals or buying me something from the supermarket, etc. He isn't quite the piece of crap he was when I was growing up, but I find myself letting him have it at the drop of a hat. I am telling myself to stop as I'm yelling, but it's not happening. This behavior carries over to my mom and sadly, my baby's father (and every other man that has been in my life). It has to stop and I don't seem to have any inkling how to stop it. The anger is not new, it just seems overwhelming and it makes me feel like an unstable adult. I don't want my child to grow up with this anxiety. I overcompensate with love toward him, but I know that's not going to erase memories of mom being on edge around important people in his life.