I understand your pain because my dad is an alcoholic and was when I was a kid too...The reason that you are doing these things is because you want to know why he couldn't be good to you when you were young, why he couldn't be sober, why did he have to abuse me, What did I do to deserve this and so on you get my point? I really think a theropist would help you move past the abuse and conflict with your father...I hope I have helped