Hey guys,

I really appreciate your comments and help. Kirol, I've long suspected I have some form of BDD...I've never really discussed it. I denied, denied, denied. But it's true - when I look in the mirror I see something much larger than what other people see. It's very baffling to me. My psych. is 4 hours away (you wouldn't believe how many people up here can't find a doc...there's a severe shortage where I live).

I honestly haven't felt like getting in the car and driving that long. My mom lives where my doc is...and I've felt so guilty about my BPII (she's the one I call hysterical....poor mom) that I'm anxious to see her.

I'm struggling a lot with the E/D today, again. BF took me shopping the other day...and I whined and tried to get out of it...what girl does that?! I was so depressed...funny enough, a sales person turned that around for me...a guy in the store was putting things in a room for me...and overheard me tell BF i just didn't see anything I like (which is uncommon in that store...it's my favorite). The sales guy asked me my size in a certain outfit and I just looked at him, told him what size I thought, and said "I'm really having a fat day and I feel just horrible about it" and he said "Girl, I feel you. I really do." It kinda made me feel better and I ended up buying a lot of black =p HAH!

(Secretly, I think they know who I am and that I'll buy quite a bit...maybe the sales people exchange that info. Hah. That's paranoid.)

I dunno. BF is now dieting...which is good, in a way. None of the tempting foods are around. I'm eating a plate of spinach instead of pretzels, etc.

Kirol, mine has morphed from bulimia in high school (I had to make weight for a sport. It was awful. I think that policy should be outlawed...and classes of weight divided by another means). Then it was using a medication for an appetite supressant (of course, Adderall - Rx legally to me since I was 7...I always hated it. I think it "broke" my appetite regulator). Now Im anorexic/binger. (anorexia only sets in with depression - from bipolar 2). Now that I'm feeling a lot better with a BP medication, I don't have long episdoes of not eating...and I'm gaining weight. God.

I secretly wish I could go back to purging, except there's no privacy in my house. BF would figure it out quickly...and then I'd be shipped off to some retreat somewhere.

Granted, I'm sure it would be a nice place, but I like...don't feel ready to face it. Is that weird? I don't want to get rid of it...I'm terrified I'll blow up (weight wise) if I deal with the issues healthily.

I also turned down a photo shoot I was supossed to have today...I just couldn't even fake self confidence today.

Lisa, thank you also for your input. Sometimes I feel like I live in such a different world than most girls (save the ones in the spotlight), that I don't see HOW i could maintain what I do WITHOUT an ED. If that makes sense. Ehh. I promised myself I'd maintain "barbie" until I have kids....and I want that within a couple of years. I'll do my best to never pass down my feelings about weight/fat/etc. I was "really healthy" as a kid...and it kinda scarred me. Once I was thin, I was like "OMG....This is the coolest thing ever!!!"

Anyway. I'm rambling and obviously not all with it today...I'm also PMSing...=(

I don't think I'd be as uptight about it if my BF wern't constantly making comments on people on TV, etc. "Whoa, look at that butt! Thunder thighs!", etc. I just look away for fear of saying something like "And you wonder why I obsess about my weight". I know that's not nice on his part...but I know he doesn't mean it in that way...that he'd love me regardless...but we aren't engaged/married yet...and I know it sounds silly, but I feel as though I can't let go until I've "harpooned the whale". My ex husband/father were also ruthless about weight. Dad had me on a scale when I was 9!!!!

Thanks you guys.