Yeah, I'll be able to be forgiving with the help of meds and a punching bag! I started off many years ago being the forgiver. I am the one in the family who likes to fix things. My mom told me at age 11 what one of my worst memories was about as a two year old. My dad was sitting on the couch with his eyes closed and blood and tears dripping down his face. I couldn't understand why she was standing angrily on the other side of the room. I was screaming at her to help him and she wouldn't and he rolled to the ground. I didn't know if he was dead or what. I was freaking out and my mom just threw me a towel from across the room to wipe his face with. I was so angry with her for so many years for that. Well, found out that my mom had just come home to find me wandering by myself in the back yard. She knew something was up so she went inside the house to find my dad fooling around with the 13 year old maid that she had brought here from Mexico to try and help. She beat the crap out of him and her.

For some reason when I heard this story, it brought to light how horrible my dad was. All the memories of "older-brother" style torture through the years and his bad temper. He would get his face right into mine - his face would be bright red and shaking, mad about something like spilling milk or inappropriate acts with us, his daughters. A big one was (I come from a family of artists) when I would draw or sing or dance, he would make fun and put down and laugh and laugh. Squelched a basic childhood right instantaneously! A flood of memories came to light and I started to hate him. I was uncomfortable with this and I started to look for reasons he might be like this. There were lots. So I kept forgiving him and telling my mom to forgive him. I was his biggest advocate. But for me, it didn't change what challenges in life that I have to face, strictly based on the issues he implanted in my brain that would not have existed if he say, would have died or left when I was a baby (I know that sounds silly).

He went on to be who he is. Me later on witnessing his infidelity AGAIN and embarrassing drunken episodes and his negativity and the dumb ways he thinks - and yet now, he gets to live so comfortably. In his big recliner 24/7 watching TV and eating and eating all the meats he can eat. His nightly bottle. My sister's and I have personality traits that mess with our lives in a bad way. Tho' I know that mine will probably get better, I cannot ignore the fact that I am going to be 42 and still am stifled by my issues while my friends around me have flourished, I have to work 10 times as hard to get through the most basic parts of adulthood. I am an artist for a living now (I had to push through a thick wall to attain that goal), and I still cant have people watch me in the process - I don't take criticism well, the list of roadblocks goes on and on and I don't think forgiving him is going to change that.