i'm confused about sexuality. basically i've always thought i was bi-sexual - i always went with boys at first because if i'd said i preferred girls at boarding school i would've been lynched. but in order to ever do anything beyond a kiss with a guy í had always to be absolutely smashed drunk and virtually beyond consciousness. even then it wasn't ever easy. the very thought of it actaully makes me feel ill. i ended with my ex due to this, the thought of having to go to bed with him was making me throw up and cry every night.

the thing is, i know i find girls more attractive to look at - but the thought of doing anything with them makes me feel quite unwell too (not to quite the same extent maybe) - again, i could easily kiss one, but nothing else. if i got absolutely drunk i probably could but i'd feel terrible during and after.

if the thought or worse, deed, of any sex makes me feel utterly sick, does it mean i'm just not a sexually motivated person, or does it mean i just have a hang up? i think maybe the latter because i definitely get "urges" but i hate acting on them. a therapist once said that i must have some really major issue deep down to feel this bad, but i can't think of anything that might have caused it.

i have issues with any kind of physicality too - i won't even let my parents get too close without bracing myself. with one or two friends i'm ok (although this is only through perseverance), but on the whole i hate it.

this whole issue has got worse for me while being away - it's got to the point now where if i see any man being in any way at all even remotely physical and/or masculine i start feeling sick, getting upset and i have to talk myself out of it - like on the trains (in russia) there were men in vests (to sleep in) and if i saw them i'd run away and hide in my cabin feeling annoyed, workmen in streets have the same effect, or men being overly affectionate with girlfriends. *shudder* oddly enough women don't have the same effect. it's very odd.

i think it may have hit a point where i should do something about it, in terms of seeing my old therapist - she knows this was a vague issue and said there was probably quite a big root if it was bad enough that thinking about sex made me ill but that if it was suppressed it was best to leave it - but i think if just seeing a bloke walk down the street is making me feel bad that's a new level. that said, if i can't remember anything that might make me feel like this, is it worth digging? i just don't know. i reckon i could avoid sex for the rest of my life, maybe, but i think the issue may be a bit more than that. can anyone advise?

thanks x