Quote:
Originally Posted by BNLsMOM
I am having invasive thoughts, horrible things and when I close my eyes, I am seeing horrible things that I could do to myself. It is taking strength not to go do something.
I have glued myself to the chair so that I don't do somehting to myself. I did scratch and leave a nasty mark on my wrist on Monday when this all started and I was wishing it was deeper.
I can't imagine my life going on long if it will be like this repeatedly. I feel somewhat hopeless.
I almost feel like I would be better in the hospital, but how the hell do I endure that again!? How would my family deal with it, how would I explain!!!???
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*trigger* *graphic*
I think your family would deal with you being in the hospital far better than they would be able to deal with you doing something to hurt yourself. I've had 2 friends die by sui. 2 other friends attempted it and I was the one who found them. I still have nightmares about finding my friend choking, blue in the face, and having a seizure with vomit all around her. She had overdosed. She was in a coma for several weeks and I sat in that freaking hospital room with her almost all day every day. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat. She did come out of the coma, but she had some permanent brain and muscle damage. I would have been able to deal with visiting her in the hospital
every day for months with no problem at all. But I'll be dealing with her alternative choice
for the rest of my life.
I've been in the hospital more times than I can count. Between June 2007 and February 2009 I was in the hospital 5 times, the last time was for almost a month. But in the end they finally found a med combo that has been working for over a year now; maybe not as perfectly as I would like it to work, but I've been able to stay out of the hospital for 16 months, and that is a HUGE accomplishment for me. If I had chosen to die by sui instead of choosing the hospital, I wouldn't have been able to sit and hold the tiny newborn kittens on the farm a few weeks ago. I wouldn't have met any of you. I wouldn't have seen my brother build a beautiful house with his own hands. I wouldn't have been able to see my friend's daughter learn to swim. I would have missed out on so many things. Sure, I still have rotten days, even rotten weeks. But I'm not planning on throwing in the towel now...not after I've worked this hard. I hope you won't either. Please go to the hospital if you feel you are in any danger of harming yourself. Your children and your husband need you. Everyone here cares about you. Please stay safe.
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From the movie The Hours: "If I were thinking clearly, Leonard, I would tell you that I wrestle alone in the dark, in the deep dark, and that only I can know. Only I can understand my condition. You live with the threat, you tell me you live with the threat of my extinction. Leonard, I live with it too."