May trigger.

I got my schedule for school courses next year. Going back to school. Some people already know that. I should be excited. It's a big step. Doing something with my life, or trying to at least.

I don't. I feel like ****.

I'm not smart. Who am I kidding? I'm really not. I'm not the stupidest guy but I'm very far from being smart.

I'm not going to fit in there. I don't fit in anywhere. I don't fit in anywhere on PC, which is a support site, and should be the easiest place for me to fit in anywhere. I don't fit in here. It's my own fault, I suck at supporting people, I'm probably not easy to get along with, I'm a burden. Maybe I belonged here at one point but I don't think I do anymore.

I don't fit in anywhere IRL. I don't belong to any active communities. I miss being on my old hockey team. I bother my friends all the time. IDK who is a friend and who isn't. I don't know much. I don't know what's paranoid and what's regular caution. People don't like me. I don't like me. I'm nothing I want to me.
I'm too damaged. Broken vase. Shattered up. Fragmented. Can't function properly.

All over the place. IDK what's happening half the time. I can hardly sleep at night, nightmares play loops in my head and make me feel sick. People talk to me but I can't make out what they say sometimes because everything is too foggy. I think of everything at the same time, and I think too much. Is it possible to think too much yet still act so stupidly and recklessly?

There's this dull pain. Sometimes I lift it a minute by finding something to be happy about, then it comes back and covers me, I make myself sick thinking of how I've failed. How they've won and how I'm still the weak little boy I've always been.

I want to curl up but I want to smash my fist into the wall and scream in rage at the same time, drown myself in a bottle or just get a hug.