I am so sorry you had such a crappy birthday. I want you to know that you aren't alone. I have done some very terrible things in my past and I can't forgive myself for them either. I think of them every day and they bring me down to the dumps. I surely sympathize with you. I hope that things are looking up for you soon and you are able to move past the past. I wish I had advice for you on how to do that. But I really just wanted you to know that you aren't alone and I understand how you feel. Hugs out to you.