I'm not really anxious-it's more of an uneasiness. I don't feel situated with my family. I don't feel connected to them except to know that we're related.
I want to avoid them, although, another part of me wants to see them.
I've been through this before.
I've always caved in and saw them in spite of wanting to avoid them and I've always regretted it because I feel awful when I spend any time around them.
I'm the youngest, smallest and quietest and it goes without saying that I'm the last in line of the pecking order.

On top of that, with my being the only one who's been to a therapist about our childhood abuse and had psych trouble to the point I have-they carelessly drop lines about it and it's never in a good nor positive way.
For instance, I'm sitting in the living room, playing video games with my niece, at my Mom's house on Christmas Eve. My oldest sister walks in and sits down and watches for awhile and somehow it comes up that she doesn't like our sister-in-law and she says "You know, J., (my sister-in-law) says she thinks that you may be bi-polar or schizophranic."
What? I've never been schizophranic or bi-polar. I went through a severe depression 8 years ago and had a few anxiety attacks 5 years ago.
(I was getting off long term usage of sleeping pills, at the time and I had just quite smoking. I started exercising and I pulled a chest muscle. Only, I didn't know it was a muscle pull-I thought I was having a heart attack which made me panic.)
Anyway, my oldest sister's a nurse and I would think she would know better then to say something like that to me and would have put J. in her place and tell her not to diagnose something you don't understand, at the time of the incident. But NOOOOOOOOOO- of course not.
So, it got me all riled up against J. and eventually would talk to her about how I didn't appreciate her diagnosing me w/out having the credentials to do so-my doctors and Therapists diagnose me, thank you very much and J. got mad at me for saying that and to this day holds it against me for bringing it up.
Another situation-my brother pulls up my tank shirt to show everyone at his gathering my self-inflicted scars but says how "cool" they are. I didn't ask for that. I, in no way, wanted to show ANYBODY my scars at the gathering.

It's crap like this, I can't deal with.
So, why can't I just let it go?
GRRRRRRRR!