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4:30am, I was bored a long time ago... running out of ways to distract myself from sleep. I'm looking for something, anything to keep me awake. I don't want to sleep. I know this is a losing fight and it really sucks because I know in the end I will never be able to always be awake.
Let me clarify: this isn't because I can't sleep. I can and when I do I really enjoy it. Lately I've just found the idea of sleeping and going to sleep really unpleasant. The only way I can describe it as little kids whining about how they aren't tired and don't want to go to bed even when you know they are tired.
It's weird, isn't it?
It's not for any particular reason that I know of. People have described not wanting to sleep because they "don't want to miss anything" if I think about it this seems most likely even though I'm not missing anything at all. In fact I'm missing MORE since I end up sleeping half the day (and I get frustrated thinking about all the time I'm really wasting...) Another factor I think is that going to bed can be frightening because it's triggering. The only weird thing about that is that it's not necessarily scary to think about. Oh sure I'm scared at the time but thinking about it right now doesn't fill be with any particular fright. I think it's half of both.
There is one plus side though... every morning I get to hear the birds sing in the morning. Even when it's raining, they are singing. It's quite lovely.
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