Sweet Marjan~

I've said this to you before quite sometime ago and I'm gladly saying it again...You are a wonderful person. You have inner beauty that is so abundant that it radiates through your every word.

Yes. You are your mother's daughter. Yes. You feel obligated to her because of your role in her life. Yes. You have proven (out of your own love for your mum..not out of sense of obligation) that you are the beautiful soul to her despite that she may not deserve you.
It is how you are...loving, compassionate, loyal, and obviously dedicated to being true to your own self. And anyone who is fortunate enough to have you in their lives and can't see your worth, then they do not deserve you.
However, the fact remains she is your mum and the maternal bond with her exceeds your choices, sometimes. You continue with your mum not only due to your love for her, but because of your grand character.

I'm sorry your mum is who she is and the role she is in your life. Unfortunately, you cannot change that...but that's ok. You have held true to yourself and that's what's so much more important.
You don't have to like her. And if you pardon my saying, from what you've described of this woman, there is little to like. You should not feel guilty for not liking your mom, or any family member. You have been placed there by fate, not by choice. It is not your fault that family members are not likable people.

Hypothetical situation:
Imagine meeting your mum for the first time as someone other than her being your mother. Would you consciously choose to be in her company? I don't think so. You wouldn't deliberately place yourself in the company of someone who makes you miserable. You have absolutely no sense of obligation to her as she is not the kind of person you would CHOOSE to have in your life, anyway. Therefore, there is no sense of guilt.
Just because she gave you life does not mean you have to like her.

My mom and I didn't get along, either. I couldn't win for losing with her and after living with enough of her psychological neglect and abuse, I finally concluded that I honestly simply didn't like the person. Yes. I loved her, that goes without saying.
It is not my fault that my mom had a crappy childhood. It is not my fault that she didn't know how to make her own children's childhood much better than her own. The only thing I am responsible for is what I do with what influence she did have in my life (negative, or positive)...don't mean I have to like her. I don't. And I don't feel guilty for that.
My mom passed almost 15 years ago...and honestly, I do not miss her. What I do miss is that maternal bonding we never had. But, I'd miss that, anyway, even if she was still alive. It's simply how it is.

Hold true to yourself, Marjan, which you are clearly doing. Your mom receives the credit for giving you birth. But you hold the credit for being the wonderful person you are today.

Much 's

Shangrala