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It has crept up gradually the last few days... this sense of wellbeing and peace. Dare I say happy. For sure I can say I am not consumed by sadness. Not for 3 days straight now. So welcomed is this light and this energetic reprieve after endless months of the debilitating regression into the deeper and deeper darkness of hopelessness I was living. Better described as enduring. No life was in me.
Why the sudden shift? The answer to that question always eludes me. How desperately I want the answer though. I often say to myself from within the darkness, to comfort me as I endure the constancy of the pain of sorrow.... ‘this too shall pass’. It takes me through the days, hours and minutes of the seemingly endless sadness and provides a thread of hope for better days.
For three days now the darkness has turned to light and all is hopeful in my world. My energy is high. My enthusiasm is near explosive. Nothing changed in my life except how I feel. Nothing is by my design. What then is the cause of the shift in my existence? What power controls the switch that gives me my life back as though on a whim? ‘This too shall pass’ is all that holds me back from getting lost in the ecstasy. The inevitable crash will come. Not because of anything I do or think or say or believe. It just will because it always has. This is no more permanent than the sadness. It is just the flip side of my insanity.
I will enjoy this day and each day that may follow that lets me feel free and happy. I will be cautious not to let it take me anywhere I will regret. No major commitments, no rash decision making, no dangerous behaviours allowed. I will try to harness this mood for good. Mostly..... I will enjoy the break from the sadness. I will enjoy each and every moment of it.
Life is good today. I miss this kind of normal.
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