Then here's the ultimate truth about where I am. No matter how hard it is for me to write.

For one thing, I am up and it's midnight, something that I don't do on a regular bases. I kind of think that it is a punishment for the thouhts that I have had this week. They have not been plesent. and I thought them today as well. I just can't keep doing it to myself. I have classes that are important, and Dating would be nice. But right now, I'm just masking what I really feel, so that I will just get through the night. Kind of a protection method.

But the honest truth is, I don't want to hurt anyone around me. And I do it when people know that somethign is wrong. I hate having to go to a friend and say that I've been suicidal today. or I just want the hurt to stop. I hate that I have to keep talking about it. I hate the fact that I can't shut my mind down, that it keeps going. I just can't keep doing it to them. But at the same time, I can't keep my mind clean of all the things that it wants. I can't keep looking at that website, i can't keep looking at what to use, I can't keep planing the things that I don't want. I know that it would not work anyways so why do I keep looking at it. Why do I keep going to that site. (I've been to it this week twice) Why can I not put this all behind me like I have done with past memories. WhY???

Real anwser, I'm not ready to give up the thoughts, but I am. It doesn't make sense to me, so maybe someone here can explain it to me. There's the statement, prove me wrong, or right does not matter to me. I just want to get through the night, but at the same time I want to stay up for 48 hours straight and then crash. Why can't I not do that, I've been up for only 13 hours that's why, It wouldn't work. But I still want to, but my work would suffer. AGGG< I hate this.