Forgiveness and healing are two different things. It sounds like you've worked on forgiving but haven't gotten as far as you'd like with healing. The one bit of advice I'd have is don't beat yourself up over what you feel like you ought to do or how you ought to feel. You do what you are able and feel how you feel. Feelings don't go away just because you think you're not supposed to have them. They become manageable and less controlling of you once you are able to accept and deal with them.

As for your dad with your child, I also came from an abusive background and my dad is much the same. He is so kind and patient and loving with my kids when he never was with me. I have tried to deal with my feelings about my father, but also be glad that there is something in him that desires to love my child. Honestly, when I see him gazing lovingly at one of my kids, I feel like for the first time in my life my dad and I are on the same side.

One last thing, the thing which actually lead me to admit I was depessed and get on med this episode was that I had no control over my anger. In my case, it was directed at my kids, which is not cool, but my doc told me that often depression seems to remove the pause/edit button most of us rely on. Meds really helped with that.

Hang in there
!