((((Always&Forever))))

Thank you for posting and I am sorry you are feeling so bad. I know that sometimes people do not understand and they seem to not care. But they do and they probably just do not know what to say. But truth is it has got to be something that you want to stop no one else can do it for you. You have to want to and it has to come from within.

Other people can want you to stop and they tell you how they feel and they can tell you that it is wrong but it has to be something within yourself that wants to stop it. I do understand and believe me it is not something that is easy to stop. But you have to want to stop it before it can even be possible.

For us, it was something that we did to stop the pain. We somehow was trying to get the pain to go from the inside to the oiutside. Somehow to release the pressure we were feeling. But it was coming from something much deeper within that at the time we were unable to even know existed.

We would try to say that we were not going to do it any more. We would try but inevitably, it would happen again. It was a cycle that seemed to never have an end. The guilt that would come from breaking our promise to ourselves and to others. We would try to hide it so no one would know but truth was we knew.

So the guilt of what we did combined with the pain of the SI itself just became stronger. The pain of the SI would sting or hurt and whenever anything touched it it made me remember again what we had done and I felt bad again, if it ever really left in the first place. Maybe I was just ignoring it but it did not go away.

Then on top of all that the thing that made me SI in the first place was still right there staring me in the face still the same. It had not shrunk or gone away but now it combined forces with the guilt and the pain and I was right where I started with wanting to try to somehow make the pain go away again.

The truth is we have to look at it and face whatever it is that is there to begin with. The only way to get something looked at is to walk through it and face it and deal with it. Only then will it ease up and stop. For so long I did not get that. And still today sometimes it will raise its ugly head and get the best of us.

I know it is hard and it feels as though no one cares but truth is you have to want to beat it. To realize why you do it and to work through those things. Only you can do that. If you want to cut you are getting something from it. It is doing something somewhere for you. For us, it was relieving just a little piece of the pain but in reality it ws creating more in and of itself.

I know this is hard and I am so sorry you are dealing with so much. But I ask you what is it you want? Do you want to stop? Keep asking keep telling. Someone is listening. Please know that we are here for you and we do care. Sending gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps