I have the impression that she doesn't really want me to tell her. But I haven't cut since sometime in August, and haven't wanted to all that much. It's all the other stuff - like the car wreck and still working at a job where I'm not appreciated, and getting assaulted by one of the girls there. Somehow I contribute to all of those things, so I don't have a right to complain about them. And running myself into the ground. I don't feel like I deserve to eat, and feel guilty if I give in to eating something, or to sleep enough or to take a bath if I did yesterday. And I ought to be able to just work all the time, and still get everything done at home and spend time with the kids and do all the things I'm supposed to do, and be available here all the time (I thought that I was doing okay here but I'm starting to develop guilt trips about that too in response to a situation I'm not supposed to talk about). I don't feel like I'm worth taking care of.

I'm picking up two shifts this week for other people, and there are two shifts that I need off, and nobody will take them. One I need off because I don't have time to sleep next week and need to present at inservice for my other job, and the other one I need off in order to go and see T. I've only seen her four times ever, and have been working with her for a year. But it seems like I'm asking too much. I'm to the point where I wake up feeling like crying if it's a day that I have to go to that job, even if I don't have to go until 3 p.m. or even 10:30 p.m. like today. I'm tempted to tell them I quit, and then it's their problem to get somebody to cover those shifts, but I can't afford to and also don't want to abandon the girls.