Shank- I think if I were in a relationship it might boost my confidence by being wanted by someone and that someone is taking the time to understand my issues and accept them. Perhaps it's similar with you too?
Of course I don't have the trust to be in a relationship, the thought of intimacy terrifies me so much. And I don't want to end up in relationships live everyone else in my family, just divorce, alcohol and abuse. I think my fear of that is so strong that I am looking for someone that will just never come. Even if they did I'd end up blowing it anyway.

Lynn- I'm not sure what Body Dysmorphic Disorder is, can you explain it to me a little? (In layman's terms though because PTSD was hard enough to freaking understand as it is! ha ha)

I think a lot of celebrities get so much work done because of the pressure they themselves are given, if they don't look good enough they simply don't get the job, plus they are followed with cameras, are plastered on every magazine and ridiculed for every imperfection. If I were a celebrity I'd be on the cover of National Enquirer as 4 months pregnant with the stomach I have. It was bad enough when my mother told me I looked pregnant.
Then there is all the photo shopping. A lot of celebrities aren't even aware until AFTER that their picture is going to be edited and are shocked when they actually see the end result. Cue exhibit A-



Even Keira Knightley was dumbfounded when she saw the, uh, dramatic increase in the size of her chest.

Of course all that in turn creates a cycle that makes non-famous people obsess too.

I am trying to exercise, like I think I said my new years resolution was to go for a walk/jog every afternoon, but it only lasted a few weeks. I am going to try again, plus do crunches to flatten my stomach again. I read on the net earlier that drinking a glass of water before eating helps to eat less, I have a habit of eating a lot so that might help. I think that stemmed from being neglected when I was younger, food made me happy because I rarely had a decent meal. When it was my mothers pay day it was the greatest feeling ever, I mean I was so excited, because I knew I'd get a decent meal that day (even though money meant alcohol for her too). So food does make me happy I will admit, plus I think it's a boredom thing.
I just worry I can't keep the motivation up.