I have always felt dirty, I feel like I am going to get punished for it. I guess that is just my own fear. My family is very open and as I discussed in the abuse forum, a little TOO open sometimes.

I am EXTREMELY embarrassed to talk about myself in this way. I was going to make a thread about it but I have been too embarrassed, so I'll just say it now. I have noticed that it is making me depressed, and that I cry afterwards sometimes because it makes me feel alone. It's something I want with someone else. I think it's just to make up for lack of affection with another person, you know? I realise that whoever I am thinking about is someone that doesn't exist and never will and I'm alone.
I'm trying to explain this so that it makes sense but without going into more detail.

As for catching people, I have an embarrassing story about someone else. I was at a relatives house with some other relatives and we were using the video camera. I was fast forwarding through old footage to see if there was anything interesting, and I came across one of my relatives filming themselves masturbating in front of a mirror. I can't tell you how disturbing that was for me...