Evening,

I just have to say how strongly this post struck me. It's as though your words popped out of my mouth. I feel the very same way: major depressive disorder, social phobia, isolation, suicidal ideation, anxiety, intense shame, chronic low self-esteem, and self-doubt.

I do have BPD (borderline personality disorder), which doesn't seem to go with my persistent self-hate thought patterns. But OCD patterns are also consistent with BPD.

I have struggled with self-hate for as long as I can recall. I've never been thin enough, pretty, smart, funny, fun to be with, etc. I exercise a lot ~ others can see the results, but I can't. I have a boyfriend who always tells me that I'm "gorgeous". I instantly roll my eyes and then force myself to thank him (or I close my eyes as I roll them). I have tried so hard to overcome this self-hate, but it is just soooo deep within me, I don't think that it will ever be gone.

Many years of therapy, a BA in psychology, many years of a tried (and failed) marriage, and 2 beautiful daughters have done nothing to decrease my feelings of self-hate. The feelings that I hold come from deep within myself. Personally, I avoid looking at myself, to hopefully decrease my self put-downs.

Just wanted you to understand where I am coming from & how deeply I can relate to what you're saying. I know that it sucks. You're in my thoughts...