i feel like i am unraveling - but as scary as it feels, the trick is that i need to tell myself that all that is truly coming apart are the maladaptive and problematic mechanisms and perspectives that have created a velvet prison for me. It's familiar to the point of being almost comfortable, safe. But it does not give me the life i want and i find myself on my knees in sadness for what could have been if life had been different. i don't want the fake security and such anymore.

so in my determination to find the core parts of me that have been imprisoned elsewhere in this dungeon, i must endure this torturous psychological unnerving.

it sometimes feels as though i will vanish or go insane... but it is the pressure placed on my sense of how things are by the work i am doing in therapy.

i am looking very hard and straight-on at things that have both frightened and defined me my whole life. If i did not have my therapist i don't think that i could do this.

i've been fighting to hold onto the positives i had gained, but it's bugger-hard to do in the face of such powerful anxieties. My whole world is changing, inside and out... and right now, both feel like chaos.

tonight i took the time to draw for a while... and i'll read before bed. i let myself have some cookies as a treat and i spent time with my dogs.

life feels terrifying, but i remember how T has told me so many times that my feelings aren't always reflective of reality. There are real things i can put hope in now, so i need to figure out how to let go of worry and spend that energy on hope.

i am not religious.. but if i were i would pray to be the person my T has helped me catch glimpses of. i'd pray that the world really does work how he has related it, and not in the way i have always believed. i want to take up residence in the same reality that he lives in. i don't mean in his personal world, i mean in the world governed by the things he says are truths. i still feel as though life is on the other side of the aquarium glass from me... and i want so badly for what i see to be real and to step over into that better place.