(((((((((((((((((Yack))))))))))))))))))),

I can fully understand what you are going through.....it actually sounds similar in the fact that you are having to go through so many things at the same time (even though the things I went through were different).

Sometimes we have no choice in how we react to something either.....please remember that.....sometimes our bodies just react & then a chemical thing happens & well.....it is just how our bodies respond. I was put into a trauma situation.....a victim of identity theft of my Mother & I was involved....then accused by the police of abusing my Mother. No one would listen to me.....it was like all these horrible things were happening around me & I couldn't get anyone to listen......& when the police were sent out to the house accusing me of the abuse.....they wouldn't even listen to what I said & I was told to shut up & sit down. I was pushed to the point where I feared what the RN would do to me to protect herself. At least when I finally filed a report with the police, they let me know that what I experienced was real & that the RN had information on her that corresponded to what I told them......finally I felt that I was validated. Even my Psychiatrist & psychologist didn't believe me.....I felt completely abandoned & trapped in a situation I could do nothing about. When we are under this kind of level of stress like you are too, our bodies produce chemicals that cause our bodies & minds to react in a certain way that we actually don't have much control over. In my case I landed in the hospital just when my Mother died.....because of not being able to eat (anorexia without the body image issues) causing anemia & malnutrition which took 2 months of hospitalization to care for.

When everything piles up like it is for you, all we can do is the best we can.....it does seem like we are out of control.....but actually doing the best we can in the situation is all the control we can have. As long as you have supportive therapy (which I now have) & hopefully can talk to your Mother & hopefully your father.....& even other friends & family.....hopefully you will be able to put the pieces together & work a little at a time to adjust to the situation. Your discription is feeling like a knot.....I felt like I was in a tornado...spinning around & around with everything around me spinning around too....then I would get hit by something else that was in the tornado & send me off spinning more. I spent 24/7 for 3 weeks in the hospital room with my Mother as her cancer progressed....trying to protect us from the RN......I felt like I was living in a horror movie....with no connection to the outside world & the tornado kept picking up more things in its path. Then I ended up having feelings of watching myself doing things I wasn't even myself anymore. It was explained to me as being a sense of depersonalization which is a symptom of PTSD. It sounds like you have gone through similar feelings & you are perfectly normal given what you have been going through.

It is not easy & you have my understanding, sympathy, & caring ear. You are going through so much right now.....& like I am told now....You are doing the best you can given the circumstances. If you ever feel that you would like to PM me for a listening symphetic ear, I am here for you. Looking back in the long run, we end up being much stronger than we appear to ourselves at the time......keep up your hope....& being able to discuss what is happening is a wonderful ability. I belonged here, but had to be away from my computer while it all happened to me so I had no outside output.....hope you can get some needed support from here.....& hope we can provide what will help you.

Debbie