In the middle of working through my past.
At the stage where I have to tell what happened.
Couldn't really say anything last night because thoughts of being threatened kept flooding my mind.
I started to feel sick to my stomach. I started to have difficulty in breathing.
I felt so lost. I felt like my abuser knew what was going on and would be waiting for me.
I do want to heal. That is not a question.
But, in the midst of telling my story all I want to do is die.
I don't want to go back and revisit it anymore then the freaking flashbacks make me.
Little things can stir up major memories. Trying to actually converse about the things that were done seems impossible.
I slept like crap last night. I feel like lead this morning.
And right now there is only one way I think this can all go away.
I knew I was messed up in the head...but never thought I was messed up beyond total repair. Now I am seeing how damaged and rotten my soul is.
I am dirty. I am to blame.
I cannot go on like this.