Maybe it would be something you could work with your T on about what is causing your panic attacks. The way you explain your husband, it doesn't sound like you would be that much worse off without him the way he just dumped you at the ER & refused to pick you up. He sure doesn't sound very supportive. The conference I went to for people who use the mental health system here around Lexington have a wonderful community & are very good at watching out for each other.....that is also part of that peer group that is being trained throughout the country.....so that those of us who have no one, or those who have non-supportive others will have others who will care when we need it.

The first time it really hit me bad was when I was staying in the hospital next to my Mother when she was dying of cancer. I had several months of feeling like I was watching myself in everything I did. I really didn't understand what I was feeling at the time. When it hit really bad was a few months later when I had gotten out of the hospital myself & was back at the ranch working with my horses. I was feeding the horses & someone was talking to me. I heard myself answer but had no idea what I was saying or if I was even answering what they were asking or talking about what was being talked about.......it was the strangest feeling....I just wanted to get home, but my husband wanted to stop at the grocery store. I was walking through the aisles just looking at everything & had no idea what I was doing there. I knew I was afraid of staying in the car alone, but didn't want to be anywhere that people could see me either.

It has hit me a couple of times here in KY. Each time was after a bad automobile accident in front of my farm. Even though the last accident wasn't the worst, it effected me the worst. I walked back into my house & sort of floated up the stairs......fell onto my air mattress & just fell asleep hoping the feeling would go away. The next morning I needed to get a birthday present for a friend & went into Kroeger's (strange we had the same feeling at the same place). I remember walking into the store, then couldn't figure out what I went in there for & I had that really eerie feeling like before & was afraid to say anything to anyone even at checkout. I ended up getting what I went in there for (thank heavens I remembered) but was so afraid of saying anything....just paid & rushed out to my truck & headed for home where I hid out until the feeling went away. I had talked to my pdoc about what had happened when I was in California & that was when he told me I was experiencing depersonalization & it happens when stress hits or a trigger from a past traumatic situation & that after going through a trauma, it seems to be more of a normal reaction. I know how scary it is both when being around my husband & being alone & it wasn't anything I couldn't handle alone. Many times I find that when a panic attack hits, I just go take a hot shower to relax & go to sleep to make the panic go away. I also have had much less panic attacks now that I live alone also......my husband would trigger my anger, which would end up in panic attacks also. I can't take any meds though for fear that they might knock me out or I might have a very bad side effect like so many of the other times......so for me, hot showers & sleep have been my answer. I don't like just driving somewhere for fear I would end up getting lost & not finding my way home.

None of my friends have dealt with any of my mental illness issues. I keep it pretty much unspoken about unless something comes up that seems to need a comment except for the one panic attack that my friend called me after it hit in the middle of the night to see if I was ok during the ice storm......she did get me through the early morning on that one. I have a huge dark hole from 1994 to about 2004 that even I don't remember much about, so never talk about it unless someone is dealing with someone who is dealing with suicide......then I will offer some advice or suggestions & let out a little information....but no one needs to know about that time since it's far in the past & I know I will not be haunted with it again now that I have made so many positive changes in my life.

It's not always that easy to make the break from being married. It took me 33 years (I shouldn't have gotten married in the first place...lol). But once I made the break, there is no way I could ever go back or go back to being married again. I love my life being alone & taking care of myself. It is the best thing I ever did for myself, but each person is different....sometimes we have to be pushed to our limit before we take any drastic action like leaving.......But that is a good thing because we need to try with our marriages before giving up on them.....I think we end up knowing when the right time to leave is as everything seems to just work out when it's the right thing to do.

I know you will put a lot of thought into how you are feeling & do the wise thing that is the best for you. Sometimes we really feel a huge hole after we loose someone very close to us & as we get through that grief, things may clear up a bit more for you also. Time & prayer will be a good indicator of the right thing for you to do for yourself.