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What the heck is wrong with me? I'm a grown woman and I can't seem to make anyone happy. No joke!
It's like I never do anything right. I wish I could retreat to an island and never come back.
I've been married for a while and both my daughters are grown. One is a mother of 3 and the youngest just started college.
I have bp and some other issues. My dad hated me from the minute I was born...seriously. He never physically abused me, but the hate was there. I always felt it.
I grew up in a very poor, rural area of the US and seemed like we never had enough of anything. I remember other children's mothers commenting about how "poor" we were.
So, now that I'm a "grown up", my husband and I have things. We're not rich, but we realize that there are a whole lot of people less fortunate than we are.
I've been exhibiting "less than normal" behavior lately. Not really like OCD, but it's like, no matter what I get involved in, I go way overboard. If I see a pair of shoes, I can't stop with one pair...I have to have multiple pairs.
If I develop a hobby, I go WAY overboard. I'm that way with everything I go at.
On top of that, my husband is emotionally abusive and emotionally unavailable. He belittles me constantly. He criticizes, browbeats, nags, etc. until I can't breathe.
He says he's trying to take care of me...I say he's trying to kill me.
I am so messed up.
Our latest issue...or MY latest issue...is a reborn baby doll. If you're not familiar with reborns, they are dolls that are artistically designed and weighted to resemble a real newborn.
I saw them on a website one day and instantly fell in love! I cannot have any more children and my babies are grown. So, I bought one. Little did I know how much friction this was going to bring into my home.
I know this doll is not real...but, for some odd reason, it gives me comfort to hold him. I have bought him some sleepers and a few outfits (several) and, yes, I even bought an infant car seat, even though my husband has dared me to take the doll out of the house.
I see no harm in having this doll and holding him. However, my husband is constantly calling me crazy, retarded, stupid, etc. for even having him, no less wanting to hold him.
What are my reasons for having him? I really don't know. I saw him and felt "compelled" to buy him. My husband says that if people knew about the doll that they would laugh at me.
No one's laughing except him.
I'm just very sad right now. My life sucks. I don't know which way to turn, or even if to turn.
Am I losing it?
What is wrong with me?
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